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This will be a depository for all things that don't fit anywhere else... nothing like that exists yet, so I'm just going to post something I wrote a few years ago instead, so you won't have wasted your time by clicking the link :-)

TODAY I visited the Doctor's office. Or, more specifically, I visited the different waiting rooms at the doctor's office. 3:12 PM, the final bell rings. Am I happy? no. I've got to run across campus, to tell my friend that I have a different ride home today, run back accross to the parking lot, hop in the car and rush off to the doctor's office to make a 3:30 appointment. Well, at 3:28, after catching every red light on the way, we pulled into the parking lot and rushed through the front door... only to stand in line for ten minutes to sign in. I looked around me. People were sitting and reading magazines from April of 1993 and catching whatever fatal deseases the people that had read the mag last had when they visited the doctor. I was approaching the front of the line. When the person in front of me signed in and they told him to "please wait in the room over there..." he seemed suprised. What was he suprised about? They don't call it the "waiting room" for no reason. Well, after I signed in, I sat and waited. And waited, and waited. Then, finally they called me to the back. "The back" is really a series of twisted and contorted mazes and passageways that lead to various other waiting rooms, torture chambers and I think maybe Portugal. They brought me to a scale, shoved a thermometer down my throat and figured out my height and weight while I gagged to near-death. I'm 5'5(1/2)", 141 lbs. Then I was lead to a small cell they called a room. I was told to wait here. They then closed the door behind them as they left and I think I heard a key turn. Great, I'm locked in a room in the doctor's office. I'm suprised they don't have us wear prison garb. I looked behind me on the bed. I stopped being suprised as I remembered that this was a physical. Lying on the bed was a small sheet resembling an oversized piece of toilet paper. I frowned. There was some noise at the door and a nurse walked in. She cut off circulation to my arm for a short while, as she performed the ritual "blood pressure test." She tried out a few other gadgets on me before leaving, telling me to put on the cloth on the bed. The door closed, and I was left frowning at the cloth. Relectantly I followed orders and then sat on the bed, waiting for the doctor. As I was waiting, I glanced up and saw a vent in the ceiling with a big hole. I started making faces at it, fairly sure that there was somebody watching... Okay, that was just paranoia, but you never know... After about 10 minutes the door clicked and opened and the doctor popped inside. He closed the door behind himself and tried telling some corny doctor jokes. Well, he went about his business and checked me to make sure I wasn't about to grow an extra arm or something. Then he did more "tests" which seemed more like something a police officer would ask for if he pulled over a drunk driver. Then I think he just started making things up as he went along. "Okay, now see if you can touch your right kneecap to your left eyebrow, while clapping to the beat of 'Yankee Doodle-Dandee' and achieving world peace." Finally, he was satisfied that I had two arms and two legs and was in no danger of sprouting any extra limbs. He left, telling me to wait here. Wait more? They must be finishing some paper work... But, no. The door opened again and another nurse walked in with a small, evil pouch. She pulled out some bandages and needles. First she got some sticky, smelly stuff to put on my skin (ever wonder what they do with the urine samples when they're through?) then she smiled and said: "This might sting a little at first, but don't worry, once It's in it won't hurt very much." There's an understatement if I ever heard one. After injecting me with some substance that made my arm bubble (She convinced me that it was supposed to do that), she pulled out another, larger needle.

More sticky stuff, more reassurances "This will feel like somebody just socked your arm, but the pain goes away in a few days. And don't worry you probably won't feel a thing. After the pain from that shot, I'd have to admit, I can't feel a thing in my left arm. Nor can I move it very well. In fact, after she gave me the shot, I had to check to make sure it hadn't fallen off or something. Well, she left and I waited. A few seconds later, the doctor burst into the room and asked suddenly: "Has anyody in your family suffered from sudden death? Where they feel fine one day, and the next day they're dead?". Bewildered I answered "Uh... no." "Good!", with that he dissapeared out the door and a hearing-tester person came next and gave me a hearing test. When she told me to hold the earphone up to one ear and raise my other hand when I heard something, I had to explain that I couldn't move my other arm. After explaining a few times, she finally understood and told me to just say "now". After she left, someone else came in and led me back into the maze, this time to an eye chart. I had somthing in my eye as I tried to take the test and when I tried to tell the lady, she told me to just read the chart. All I could see was a blurry image, so I just said "uh... D, F, uh... C, or maybe that's a Q....". She scribbled something on a piece of paper and pointed me down the hall to another waiting room. When I got there, a guy behind a counter, handed me a small tupperware container and pointed me towards the bathroom. When I came back, he was gone, so I left the "gift" behind the counter. Just then, the doctor stuck his head in the room and asked me how many fingers he was holding up. It took me a few minutes to explain that I was NOT going blind, and that I do NOT indeed have 20/80 vision. He had me retake the test and I got 20/25. Not perfect, but I never get perfects on tests... He asked me repeatedly if I ever have trouble reading. I answered "no" repeatedly, until he decided to go ask my mom instead. Then, the guy from behind the counted stuck his head out of a room, and told me to come inside. I feared the worst. My fears became reality. He sat me down in a small uncomfortable metal chair and strapped me in. At first I wondered if I were in the electric chair. Thinking about it, It wouldn't at all suprise me if Death Row WAS located in that building. It would fit right in. In fact, I think the inmates are the nurses. Well, he sat he down and pulled out a really big needle attached to a plastic baggie. Uh-Oh. "So, do you want all your holes in the same arm?" That was his way of trying to ask if he should shove that thing into the arm with the rest of the red marks, which was begining to resemble swiss cheese. Well, he poked and prodded at my arm with the needle, he kept saying "Oops, it doesn't go THERE". He finally got it right and stabbed me, sucking the blood out of my arm. While this was going on, I noticed a nurse walk in the room with an odd look on her face. She was carrying the "gift" I had left behind the counter. She put it in a cabinet, and walked hurriedly out. The guy dabbed at my arm with a towel that was turing a light shade of red. Then he took a bandage and taped it to my arm. It stopped the bleeding, but I think it also stopped the blood flow to my hand. I believe my hand is now tinted slightly blue... After he finished and I was reminded about thirty times that I had to return to this dreaded place Thursday after four PM, I was allowed to leave. And then I got home, wrote a letter about it (one that was better than this...), got on AOL, and had it erased. So, how was YOUR day today?

 

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